Jallianwala Bagh

Note: I recently took down the 2nd Fellowship script review, Dream Before Waking, as I learned that it was a vastly different draft than the one entered in the competition.

Genre: Drama
Premise: In 1918 British occupied India, two 12 year old girls, one the daughter of an Indian servant, the other the daughter of a British Colonel, form a friendship.
About: Our third 2009 Nicholl's Fellowship winner.
Writer: Nidhi Verghese


We had a brief dip into the high-concept pool with our last Nicholl entry. Now it's back to the land of socio-political intensely dramatic period pieces for our third, and likely final, Nicholl submission (unless one of you can find me Sand Dogs). Jallianwala Bagh, for those who don't know, is the site of a horrible massacre that occurred in India during the British Occupation.

Not to belittle the people who lost their lives that day, but what the hell man? At what point would I need to inject caffeine into my veins to keep from going into a weeklong slumber. Page 10? 20? It's been awhile since I actually had fun reading a script and I was looking for a little escapism here. But the only escaping I was going to be doing was into the dreamworld. Yet I didn't even have that anymore after having to take down the last Nicholl script. Ah but that's the great thing about screenplays. Just when you think you've got'em figured out, they go and surprise you. As I began to read this, I found myself connecting with the story immediately. There's a voice here. A story that needs to be told. And there's a genuine emotional connection you form with the characters (and that the characters form with each other). For that reason, Jallianwala Bagh is my favorite of the four Nicholl scripts I've read.


Widower Colonel Foster has been sent to India during a very turbulent time in Britain's occupation of the country. Indians are getting restless and are retaliating against the occupation more aggressively every day. They are burning flags. They're attacking soldiers. Gandhi himself seems to be the only thing keeping the Indians from full out war.

Back at Colonel Foster's mansion, we meet his whip-smart but rebellious 12 year old daughter, Alison, whose Governess, Jane, is the physical embodiment of nails on a chalkboard. Since her mom is dead, and she's home-schooled, Alison has never had anyone she could truly call a friend. Over in the servant house a new family has arrived, led by a man with more anger inside him than any character I've read in recent memory, the imposing and heartless Amarjeeth. Amarjeeth is father to a son and a 12 year old daughter, the curious and beautiful Jusmeen.

Immediately we sense that something isn't right about their arrival. Securing this particular job didn't happen by chance. Amarjeeth has no intention of making Colonel Foster's garden the prettiest in India. He is planning something horrible, and he will do anything, including putting his own daughter at risk, to achieve his goal.


It is for this reason that when Jusmeen meets Alison, we fear that their friendship can only end badly. It is this unique and forbidden friendship where the script really shines. These two girls "from different sides of the tracks" can only meet in secret, as the Indian-British tensions have worked their way into the household. This creates a great source of conflict as we know that if either of them is caught talking to the other, the consequences will be catastrophic.

As Jusmeen and Alison's friendship deepens, Jusmeen finds herself in a key servant role which allows her access to the entire house. Amarjeeth realizes how valuable his daughter has now become, and pulls her into his plan, forcing her to make a choice between her friendship with Alison and her family.

As I read Jallianwala Bagh, I kept trying to figure out how this script kept me interested, where Victoria Falls lost me. There are a lot of similarities between the two scripts (so many that it concerns me just how open the judges were to all material). Both are about best friends from different sides of the tracks amidst countries in turmoil. What I realized was that Jallianwala Bagh gave the friendship between its main characters more importance, more weight. In Victoria Falls, the opening scene leads you to believe the script will be about these two young boys and their friendship. However a quarter of the way through, one of them leaves the country. The script then switches gears and becomes about the other friend protecting a farm. I think that choice left me cold and, ultimately, confused. I felt like I'd ordered a Big Mac and gotten a chicken sandwich.

Jallianwala Bagh works its way up to the friendship delicately, painting these two young girls' lives as vastly different, so that when they actually meet, we know that there's no way their friendship can last. The world they live in won't allow it. So there's this consistent urgency beneath every scene - one where we're always wondering, "Will this be their last time together?" Even when the script shifts into Amarjeeth's master plan, everything always comes back to that friendship.

It is another friendship, that between Hollywood and India, that gives this tiny story a chance to be made. It may be a period piece but it would be cheap if shot in India, and there aren't that many locations needed. You might even be able to convince Ben Kingsley to come back and play Gandhi. Jallianwala Bagh is a beautiful and heartbreaking story that I suspect will reward those who give it a chance.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Forbidden relationships make for great drama. Any time you put your characters in a position where, if they get caught, they'll suffer horrible consequences, it gives their scenes together an exciting undercurrent. It's no secret why Romeo and Juliet is one of the greatest stories ever told. The consequences for them getting caught by their respective families is devastating. Here in Jallianwala Bagh (a very fun title to type by the way - go ahead, try it) Jusmeen's father is such a tyrant, we're terrified of what he's capable of doing to Jusmeen if he catches her. Forbidden relationships are almost always more interesting than come-and-go whenever you want ones.

The Fly Fisher

Genre: Horror/Thriller
Premise: A fly fisherman lures his victims in with bait and guts them like fish.
About: Nicholl Fellowship winner 2007.
Writer: Michael L. Hare


This is going to cause some of you to have an orgasm. Seriously. If I had to describe this script, it would be a cross between The Strangers and Donnie Darko, two movies I'm not very fond of, but am sure a lot of you are. For the record, I watched Donnie Darko a second time a few years ago at an obscure boring party. I sat down and watched the entire thing to the sounds of ambient music and party noise. I realized how taken I was with it just from a visual perspective. The photography in that film is freaking awesome. It's when people start talking or the odd musical choices kick in that it all falls apart (for me at least).

Anyway, The Fly Fisher is like the unofficial non-sci-fi sequel to Donnie Darko. It's a story about a seriously fucked up Fly Fisherman who lures his victims in, does God knows what to them in his stream-side abode, then guts them like a fish.

After he mutilates a sweet little skater chick in the opening scene, we're introduced to our hero, Jack. Jack is a bit of a high school nerd. He's into theater. Plays chess. Not exactly hanging in the VIP section. Jack's got a bit of a strained relationship with his father, Frank, who's been favoring work over family time lately, and is upset when his dad can't come to a chess tournament. His mom, Chris, takes him instead and after a 45 minute drive to the location, they find themselves lost in the middle of Swampland USA. How could this have happened, they ask? They followed the GPS.

Ooh, I might know. He LURED YOU HERE YOU IDIOTS! He used some sort of fish oil or something to hack your GPS. God you guys are stupid.

A grimy muddy old station wagon pulls up - always a positive and fruitful sign. But Jack and Chris shrug their shoulders and hop in when The Fly Fisherman (who likes to whistle) offers them a ride. When the Fly Fisherman tries to drive his catch back to the grill though, Chris and Jack fight back and escape, able to swim deep into the river to safety. Later, Frank laments the fact that he wasn't there for them, and mentally promises to spend more time with his son. But it ain't going to happen because that night The Fly Fisherman actually BREAKS INTO their house and kidnaps Jack!

Crying ensues.

Two years pass. Not a word. Not a peep. Frank and Chris assume the worst. Their son is dead. But then the cops get a call and the news comes back that they've found Jack! He's alive! Yaaaayyyy!

Or is it yay?

......

This time, Frank's going to make damn sure that he spends some time with his son. As the family tries to get back to a normal life, the secret of what happened to Jack over those two years hangs over them. His parents ask. But Jack doesn't talk much anymore. He doesn't do much of anything anymore. He seems detached. Tortured. Is there something else going on here?

You bet your ass there is! The Fly Fisher has programmed Jack to kill his father is what happened ! He even shows up at night in the yard calling to Jack: "Do it" he says. "Do it." The Fly Fisher has convinced poor Jack that his father is evil for ignoring him and that the only solution is to kill him. Will the Fly Fisher win? Will Jack kill his father? Or will Jack break free of the Fly Fisher's fish-like mind control over him? That's the question.

Hmmm, where do I begin? I'll give The Fly Fisher this. It keeps you guessing. Pretty much ignoring the 3-Act structure, the first 60 pages took so many detours, I had no idea if or when we were ever going to get back on the main road. I don't even know if there was a main road to begin with because the focus of this takes awhile to become clear. We experience an unrelated murder. We then experience Jack and his Mom seemingly getting kidnapped. But they escape. We then see Jack kidnapped out of his own house. And then we see a "Two years later" title, where Jack is found and rejoins his parents. After all this happens, we still don't know what the story is about. Needless to say, I was a little frustrated.

But the script is funky and different (like Darko and Strangers) and I have a feeling people will respond to that. It's just that I, personally, prefer a strong narrative over a string of weird occurrences, as is the nature of The Fly Fisher. It does eventually get to the story (Will Jack kill his father?) but I had a hard time hopping in the boat on that one. Jack's been brainwashed to think his father is a terrible person because of the way he's treated Jack. And the movie becomes this emotional journey where Jack is trying to come to terms with whether his father cares about him or not. The problem is, from everything we know, Frank has just been busy at work . In every other respect, he's a loving caring dad. So he hasn't shown up to a few chess tournaments recently? That's grounds for murder? I don't know. I had a hard time buying it.

I was also curious why the detectives, who knew that The Fly Fisher's previous victim attempted to kill his father under the same conditions, didn't warn Frank about it. They were in constant contact. It seems like a piece of information you would want to hear - "Oh, by the way Frank, your son might try to kill you in your sleep."

But the script has its admirers and the person who suggested it has solid taste so who knows? You might love it. If you do, please contribute your thoughts in the comments section. I'd like to know what I missed here.

[ ] trash
[x] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: The Fly Fisher has an intense first 10 pages and that got me thinking about the ubiquitous screenwriting rule: "Make Your First 10 Pages Great". While I believe in the first ten pages rule in principle, it's kind of a crock of shit. On the one hand, you want to grab the reader's attention right away. And that's definitely important. But just in case you forgot, uh, THERE'S STILL ANOTHER 100 PAGES OF STORY LEFT TO TELL! It's kind of like talking to women who are obsessed with their wedding. Who have been dreaming their entire lives about this one moment that's going to be the most perfect day in their entire lives and if they can just have the perfect day then there's nothing else they need...you want to say to them: "You know there's 50 years of marriage after this, right?" Same deal here folks. It doesn't matter if your first ten pages are bang-up awesome if the rest of the script sucks. I've actually seen a lot of this, where the writer clearly focuses only on the first ten pages - making them the best ten pages I've ever read..... and then page 11 sucks balls. So make your first ten pages great. But make the rest of them great as well. No one's giving you a 3-picture deal for ten pages.