Kept

About: I know nothing about "Kept" other than that it showed up at my door with a note. "Read this or die." I decided I wanted to live so I read it.
Writer: Jayson Rothwell

Review:

Have you ever gone out with a girl who's physically out of your league? And you two are moseying along. You can't believe how lucky you are. And then somewhere in the fourth or fifth week that moment comes. And I think you know what moment I'm talking about. The moment where you realize SHE'S CRAZY! Yeah. Man does that moment suck. My dad taught me an important lesson when I was a kid. If it's too good to be true, it probably is.

"Kept" starts out with CHARLIE, a mysterious businessman, sidling into a club, and noticing the jaw-droppingly hot MAXINE all by herself. He discreetly slips off his wedding ring and makes his move. They eventually end up back at her place, drink a little wine, and the next thing he knows Charlie's woken up with a headache, a mouth full of duct tape, and his arms and feet chained to a bed. It looks like Charlie found out his chick was crazy just a little earlier than the rest of us.

"Kept" keeps this old sub-genre fresh by introducing some unfamiliar elements. Such as everyone else in the apartment complex (all women who have in some way been harmed by men) is just as crazy as Maxine is. Which means Charlie must helplessly endure a barrage of psychos hell-bent on making him suffer as much as possible before his death. There's an older Asian woman who was a sex slave who keeps jars full of severed penises on her bookshelf. There's a religious woman who was the victim of family-related sexual abuse. There's a 92 year old freakshow named Bea who's killed so many husbands she's lost count. And these are the normal ones.

But Maxine's the most fucked up of all. She truly possesses an inner rage and not a lick of mercy. She's been doing this for years, videotaping all of the men she's killed and the horrible ways in which she's killed them, apparently for a movie she's making (Sundance '11?) She revels in showing Charlie the moment when all the previous men broke down. So she becomes increasingly agitated when Charlie is able to handle whatever is thrown at him. There's something different about him and she wants to get to the bottom of it.

She snags his suitcase and goes through it in front of him. What she finds is that Charlie is actually a killer too! A hitman to be precise. And Maxine takes delight in the irony of seeing him on the other side of the hit. The problem is that Maxine underestimates Charlie, and it ends up being her undoing. Or does it?

Besides the cartoonish nature of the script, it's a fun-as-hell read. The thing flies by. And you're genuinely interested in whether Charlie will escape or not. There are, however, three fairly big problems I had with the script. If this movie is made, I'd prefer to have one or two of them taken care of.

The first is when Maxine finds out Charlie is a killer. She doesn't even react. I mean the odds of two killers finding each other accidentally is astronomical. So when she sees Charlie has killed people, just like her, her passee reaction really hurts the credibility of her character.

Secondly, one of the things Maxine can't shut up about is men who cheat. Men who have it all. The perfect wife. The perfect house. Two children. And they're willing to risk it all by fucking some random woman - which she claims is why she's punishing him. She saw him remove his ring that night. However, midway through the script, we learn that Charlie is actually a widower, that his wife is dead. So the way the writer deals with Maxine receiving this information is to have her not understand at first. And barely acknowledge it when it becomes obvious. This conveniently allows her to continue torturing Charlie, when in actuality, if she's staying true to her character, she would've realized that she made a mistake.

The last problem I had was when Chalie escapes and decides to, a la William Wallace, get even with these bitches one by one. The way Maxine reacts to this is completely ridiculous. She turns into Hans Gruber and vows to "take this motherfucker down." Lets be real here. Maxine may be a professional torturer. But Charlie is a trained killer. That's like Kobe taking on Urkle. Give me a break.

But because the script embraces its cartoonish tone, I'm ultimately willing to forgive these things. It is a fun ride. And I'll be honest, this script gave me fucking nightmares. I haven't had nightmares about a film since I was ten and I thought that skeleton from Tales of Crypt was going to sneak into my room and kill me. I will certainly be thinking twice before going home with any super hot girls from now on. The lesson to learn from all this? If it's too good to be true...you're probably dead.

What I learned from Kept: Look for ways to create new twists on an old genre. We've seen the person who wakes up and is being held captive before. But Kept throws a few wrinkles into the equation. It's a woman holding a man captive. She lives in a complex where everyone helps her. All of this made the script unique and unexpected, essential if you want to stand out from the crowd.

Extract

About: This edgy comedy - the third from Mike Judge - supposedly stars Ben Affleck. I must be the bearer of bad news however. Affleck is not the one who gets his balls chopped off.

Writer: Mike Judge

Poor little Mike Judge. The marketing campaign for possibly the funniest movie ever had exactly one laugh in it, and from a character who didn’t even have a minute of screentime (“My “oh” face”). About 12 people showed up to Office Space before it became a phenomenon on home video. Then a thousand years go by and we hear rumblings about a second Judge film set in the future! Cool! However when the film is released, it is done so without even a POSTER! I have seen many things in my life. But I have never seen a studio so dislike a film that they didn’t even spend money on a poster. Idiocracy was no Office Space but it was fun. The problem with the film was that we didn’t know what edit we were watching, the studio's or Mike's. All I remember thinking was, "Mike Judge is never going to make another movie again."

But the movie Gods have smiled down upon us. "Extract" or, as it should be called, “The Ball Chopping Off Movie", is about a man, JOEL, who’s on the verge of selling his Extract company for a cool mil, when a factory accident “extracts” one of his worker’s balls. Just when it seems like the worker is fine with the insurance settlement, in comes CINDY, a super hot con girl, to encourage him to sue the company. Joel goes from potentially having it all, to potentially losing everything.

It's in the first few pages that we see why Judge is such a master. His character despcriptions couldn't be better if he had drawn you a sketch. Here's one of STEP, the poor soul who gets one of his testicles severed. How bout this description?

“Talking to Hector is STEP, a short, beady-eyed Charles-Manson-looking guy with a beard and mustache. Step is in his forties. He makes everything he says sound as macho and important as possible.”

Here is a completely unique character, someone I’ve never seen before, and yet I know exactly who he is. Who does this better than Judge?

The irony is thick, as even though STEP's the one who's had his testical severed, it's Joel who doesn't have any balls. Back at home his wife won't have sex with him. And when Cindy (who's working all the angles) comes on to Joel, in order for him to not feel bad about cheating on his wife, he hires a local gigolo to seduce her. If she has sex with him, he won’t feel bad about cheating on her. The gigolo, an airhead named BRAD, falls in love with Joel's wife, and starts coming over to have sex every day. When a furious Joel finds out, he confronts Brad, who insists not to worry. He won’t charge him for the extra sex. Joel refuses to allow Brad to have sex with his wife for free, and so continues to pay him. haha.

It's all fucking hilarious. And Judge adds a dearth of memorable characters. Joel's annoying neighbor who never takes no for an answer. His best friend Dean who thinks every problem can be solved with a pill (and has access to all of them). The 40-something factory worker still holding onto his dream of being a rockstar. It's the kind of stuff that makes you jealous when you think about your own comedy scripts.

The problem with the movie is that it peaks too early. The height of the story is the moment when Joel realizes his wife is cheating on him, he might go bankrupt, and that he’s not going to have sex with Cindy. The tension is built up beautifully to that point. But from then on, everything deflates like a punctured balloon, of which you can actually hear the air escape.

It’s too bad because Extract was fast becoming my favorite script of the year. That’s not to say it still isn’t hilarious. And since Judge is the director, I’m sure he’ll be tweaking it right up to production. But nothing is ever as interesting as when those three things come to a head.

The only other knock I have is that Judge tends to make his leads huge pussies. And I understand that's a theme he's exploring here. But at a certain point you wanna grab Joel by the shoulders, shake him, and scream, "Stand up for yourself!"

The ultimate irony, of course, is that Judge has lost his balls somewhere along the way too. He's the one who keeps letting these producers and studios walk all over him, and as a result we get movies without posters. It could be that this script is a reflection of that, and if it is, well then I'm sorry, but we won't be seeing Judge stand up anytime soon. I hope he does though. And Extract could be the movie that gives him the clout to do so. Cause it could be a classic. Even with Ben Affleck in the lead.

[ ] trash
[ ] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned from Extract: Don’t be afraid to tell us who your characters are, even if it takes a few extra lines. “Handsome and likable” doesn’t cut it for all your leads. Sorry.

My thoughts on Christian Bale's breakdown

Okay, all I know is that Bale was in the middle of a shot, and supposedly the D.P. - who was not in the shot - started fiddling with one of the lights behind him. Bale then unleashes a verbal tirade. And of course now it's heard all over the internet. Who's wrong in this situation? I'm sorry, but the D.P. is wrong.

Why would you be fiddling or even looking at lights DURING A SHOT unless you were going for some sort of effect (which apparently wasn't the case)?? People are calling Bale a diva but do you know how difficult it is to get into character for an intense scene after you've been waiting around for 2 hours for them to set everything up? It's really fucking hard. The idea is you create an environment that gives your actors the best opportunity to give a great performance. A.D.D. perfectionist D.P.s roaming around the back of a shot while film is rolling is a fucking amateur thing to do. The D.P. is retarded if he doesn't know this. And to be honest, he does sound a little autistic.

I'm not saying Bale doesn't have anger issues. But anyone who's been on a film set knows they're pressure cookers. You're always racing against the clock. Thousands of dollars are being spent for every minute that goes by. Half the time you're doing something that nobody's ever done before and that nobody knows how to do. It's intense. And I can see someone cracking when Jeff the Retard D.P. just has to check his scrim to make sure it's fastened correctly.

This does not hurt Terminator at all though. Terminator is a badass franchise. So if one of the actors in the film does something badass, well then good. It's a fucking Terminator film. That's how it should be.

As a side note, this totally changes the game. Between this and the infamous David O. Russel breakdown, true divas are going to be a lot more careful with how they treat people on set. And ultimately that will be a good thing.

20,000 Leagues Under The Sea

Info: 20,000 Leagues hit the spotlight when it was revealed that the man who made the worst movie of last summer – Da Fresh Prince - was interested. While I’m one of the first people to defend Smith as a movie star (how can you not like the guy?), Hancock fucking sucked. Stupid-ass mid-movie “twist”. Arrgh, I’ll never forget how quickly I went from loving to hating that flick.

Writer: Craig Titley

Draft: July 2007

Anyway, first things first. I don’t know jack shit about 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Apparently it was some big Harry Potter like book back in the what? 17^th Century? The title completely underwhelmed me. The first thing I thought of when I heard it was…old. Dated. Not relevant. Like something that people 50 years ago might’ve been interested in. That and one of the worst movies to ever grace the screen was set on water – the hurts-my-brain-to-even-think-about-it-still “The Perfect Storm”. Well, now that you mention it, pretty much anything Marky Mark is in sucks. But back to the script. What else was I gonna say about it? I hate the sea. I think it’s stupid. Blah blah blah. But you know what? Even though I was fully prepared to hate this script, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea was pretty damn awesome.

20,000 starts off – I believe, at the turn of the 20^th century - with the mystery of an underwater “beast” that has been stalking boats, taking bites out of them, and leaving them to sink to the bottom of the sea. But only in spots where it’s 20,000 leagues. Otherwise it leaves them alone. NED, we’ll just call him Jack Sparrow 2.0, is reluctantly recruited by an old army buddy to hunt the beast. He’s joined by Aronnax, a scientist and Julie, a hot girl. She has some other ties to the story but let’s call a spade a spade shall we? She’s a hot girl.

They go out looking for this beast (how you go looking for a beast in 1,000,000 square feet of water I’m still not entirely clear on) and eventually find it. But the beast is not a beast at all! It’s an underwater ship! Essentially a super tricked out mega submarine called “The Nautilus.” Back before submarines were even built yo! The ship is being captained by Nemo. Which means that this entire time they were actually trying to….Find Nemo. There, I said it.

They are then taken captive, because apparently Nemo’s got all sorts of fucked up shit in his past and he ain't happy. People be killin his wife and kid n shit! And so Jack Sparrow 2.0, Hot Girl, and Scientology Dude, all try to figure out what the hell it is they’re inside. Eventually they’re brought back to a secret Volcano City (think Zion) and told that Nemo here is searching for a secret lost city (a city even more secret, apparently, than a Volcano City!). This then becomes the main thrust of the film, and the three core players (Finding Nemo, Jack Sparrow 2.0, and Hot Girl) find themselves bickering and backering, none of them sure whether to kiss or kill each other.

And it’s all pretty damn entertaining to be honest. Jack Sparrow 2.0 is funny as hell. He spits out one-liners that are actually funny instead of being retreads of old lines we’ve heard a thousand times before. Finding Nemo has a dark and brooding quality that keeps him mysterious. And even though I can’t see Hot Girl, I know she’s hot. So whenever she gets all saucy and bothered with one of the men, it’s extremely sexy. I totally wanted to bang her. Wait a minute…what am I talking about again?

Ah yes, the script makes great use of well-researched history, co-signing lore and myth into an entertaining backstory. If anyone’s researched the Sumerians, they are one of the earliest cultures to display knowledge of mathematics and…other smart people stuff. And 20,000 Leagues makes the assertion that the Sumerians knew these things because they were taught them by an even more ancient civilization which was…wait for it…swallowed up by the ocean. I’ve heard some theories about how there was a civilization right here on earth tens of thousands of years ago that was actually more civilized than our own. And even though it’s pretty far-fetched, who’s to say it didn’t happen?

Okay, now that you think I’m batshit crazy, let me finish up by saying this would make an awesome movie! The Nautilus is cool as hell. The characters are all entertaining. The set-pieces are original and action-packed. And most important of all, it’s a good story. Sure the ending had some confusing action. But that’s literally the only problem I had with the script. And I usually can’t even get past page 5 of a big-budget script. So stop dragging your…err, gills New Line. Or whoever’s got this property – and go ahead and make this movie. It’s going to make, like, a bagagillion dollars!

Men

Info: I must admit I know very little about "Men" other than with that title it could be about anything.

Writer: Allan Loeb

TOBY is an attractive 40 year old ad exec who has the perfect life: the sexy Manhattan condo, one of the rarest cars in the world, a job to dream for, and of course, Amy, his beautiful wife. One night during a business dinner Amy informs him that she’s been sleeping with another man. The two separate and Toby proceeds to find out where the the man lives, befriends him, and yes, actually moves in with him. (Is it just me or would "Moving In" be a more appropriate title for this premise?)

Men was a hard one to get a handle on because the first 15 pages were so steely, so devoid of any humor, that you're left scratching your head when 30 pages later the script turns into a Jack Black movie. I think the writer might disagree with me here but any script that contains your main character throwing on a Gorilla mask to prevent his wife from recognizing him – even playing off her questions with a series of grunts and nods, is pretty darn broad.

But once you figure out what kind of story you're being told, it's not half-bad. Toby moves into "the other man's" place (Ryan - an artsy surfer bohemian type) which provides some pretty funny moments. Toby listens in on phone conversations with Ryan and his wife. He dolls out bad advice to Ryan. He must listen to Ryan describe having sex with his wife. You know sooner or later he’s going to get caught, and it’s fun watching him squirm his way out of situations before the gig is up.

One of the problems here is buying into the idea that someone would actually do this. Move into someone else's apartment and pretend you're another person to get your wife back? Even if you get past this, are you really going to believe that Toby would hire Ryan in an attempt to give him less time with his wife, and inform everybody at the office to go along with it?? That's risking like 700 lawsuits when Ryan finds out. I maybe could have made this leap if the script had introduced a broader tone. But like I said, it starts out very serious. Once you establish your universe, you can't just change the rules when you feel like it.

My biggest problem with Men though is that I never really knew any of the characters. Toby was the most developed. But even with him I didn’t know his hopes, his dreams, what it is that made him the man he was. And Ryan, the lover, was basically a cardboard cutout of every bohemian surfer-type you’ve seen at the beach. There was nothing unique or interesting about him. It left me wondering why Toby’s wife liked this guy at all. And because the script ultimately becomes about the friendship of these two "Men", knowing who they were was pretty important, wouldn't you think?

Having said that, Men was a breezy read. I wasn't disappointed in the experience. Just a little confused at times. I hope in the rewrites they fix the tonal problems and beef up the characters . But even if they do, I still have a hard time seeing this get to your local cineplex.

Steinbeck's Point-Of-View

Info: "Steinbeck's Point-of-View" is one of the biggest spec sales ever. Back in 1999, this spec sold for 4 million dollars (2 mil plus some blind script commitments). Some people believe it's one of the worst scripts ever sold. Yikes! Luckily there's only one opinion that matters - mine.
Writers: Brandon Camp and Mike Thompson

Review:

Steinbeck's Point-Of-View is about a man dying of cancer who moves back to his childhood home to start a winery days after an airplane has crashed there.

I am going to explain in detail the scene that, I believe, led to the purchase of this script. Because outside of a satisfying ending, I felt the script had some major faults. The man in question and our hero, TOM, finds out that this plane has crashed on the old vineyard where he grew up. He goes there and meets one of the mourners - a single man sitting alone, wearing a Kansas City Royals cap. The two of them have a quiet conversation. The man informs Tom that he was going to ask the girl to marry him. He even shows him the engagement ring. But the crash destroyed all of that. Now he's lost the love of his life. Uncomfortable with exchanging emotion, Tom excuses himself and leaves. A few days later he spots a newspaper that's printed pictures of all the passengers on the plane. Tom grabs the newspaper, looks closer...can't believe it. Right there on the cover...is the picture of the man in the Kansas City Royals cap.

Bam! (as John Madden would say). You've got yourself a movie. He wasn't talking to the boyfriend of the victim. He was talking to the victim. I would go so far as to venture that when this script went out, the executives who were reading the script, stopped right here and started bidding. Because the hook is so strong. Unfortunately, until we reach the somewhat satisfying ending, it doesn't seem like the writers really know what to do after that hook. It's like, "Okay, we got a hook. We got a finale...now all we have to do is come up with 90 pages of filler." But as any good writer knows, those 90 minutes are the movie. And in that sense, I think Steinbeck fails. In all fairness, the draft I was reading was the spec draft, and the script has had numerous rewrites since then. Still, if someone paid 4 million dollars for this, I'm assuming they were pretty okay with what was already on the page.

So now that Tom knows he can see dead people, his purpose becomes, a la The Sixth Sense, to help them somehow. He meets up with the woman who was going to marry the Kansas City guy (beginning a romantic storyline that never quite works - this guy is the essential component to your 4 million dollar hook - now we're supposed to believe it's okay for Tom to move in and start a little nookie-nookie??) and the two set off to help the family members of the crash victims.

The movie picks up when Tom starts regrowing the vineyard - a vast dusty field that hasn't been fertile in ages. Yet something about the crash brings the field to life, not unlike it did the victims of the crash. Through all this, Tom's cancer is getting worse, and he realizes he has to help these people before he himself dies. It's almost impossible not to compare the film to Field of Dreams - and when you're banking your story on mysticism, you walk a very fine line. 99% of the time, you get it wrong. Field of Dreams is one of like 3 films that got it right. So you're already treading in some very stormy waters. Yet somehow the script comes together in the end. It makes sense, in a weird wild sort of way, and it made up for some of the disappointments experienced earlier in the screenplay.

I've read some people attacking the "new agey-ness" of the story but I liked it. I think it's a preference thing based on your beleifs. I like to believe there are things out there that we don't understand. And even if this is the movies, it's fun to keep your mind open to new ideas.

Rumor is this will come out in 2011. Yet I have a funny feeling it's "supposed" to have been coming out in 2010, 2009, 2008, etc., etc. I'm curious to see what they've changed since the sale draft. I think if they can somehow make that romantic subplot more plausible and authentic, it's a whole different ballgame. Cause then you actually have a middle of the movie :) Either way, I'm intrigued to see how this one ends up.

Reporting from the shadows...

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