A last second change brings us a guest review of a 2010 Black List script about teenage girls exploring their sexuality. Enjoy!
Ha, you guys thought I was going to post a review of one script, but I did a switcheroo on you and now I’m posting another! Don’t ever try and predict the Scriptshadow. Because you can’t! Why the switcheroo? Because I’m going one better. Instead of reviewing the script of John Swetnam, I’m interviewing him instead! Tomorrow. So be there or be…um…not there. But you should be there. Cause I ask him some fun questions. In the meantime, today’s guest review is from Matt Williams, who’s reviewing the 2010 Black List script, “The Hand Job.” He’s also the first Scriptshadow reviewer to use the semicolon. So watch out!
Genre: Comedy/Coming-of-Age
Premise: Over the course of the summer of 1991, up-tight Brandy Clark aspires to check off all the points of her “To-Do” list, which would ultimately conclude in losing her virginity.
About: Originally appearing on the 2010 Black-list, “The Hand-Job” (now re-titled “The To-Do List”) is slated for a 2013 release, to-be directed by writer Maggie Carey, and starring Aubrey Plaza in the role of Brandy.
Writer: Maggie Carey
Details: 112 pages – July 6, 2009 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
Mega-cutie screenwriter Maggie Carey.
We all remember the summers in between the various years of our high school experience. More so than anything, these years can, in many ways, be considered the most formative of our lives. Whether you spent your summers at the local swimming pool, working a job, chasing girls you had no chance of hooking up with, getting high, or all of the above (yes, those are the only things high school students do) – we all remember these times. And Brandy Clark will remember hers.
“The Hand-Job,” which has been re-titled “The To-Do List” (a wise move, imo), reminds me what you’d end up with if you combined The Last American Virgin with Dazed and Confused with Bridesmaids. It has the theme-similarity and coming-of-age quality of The Last American Virgin; the laid-back, free flowing feel of Dazed and Confused; and the female-oriented vulgarity of Bridesmaids. But the question is – does it work?
Brandy Clark is 16 years old. She’s a virgin, a prude, a do-gooder proud of her achievements. She’s also smart, tenacious and a little uptight. In the opening sequence, she’s trying out to be a lifeguard at the local swimming pool. Immediately we recognize her as someone who goes above and beyond, even when there is absolutely no reason to.
We meet her two best friends, Fiona and Wendy – collectively known as “The Girls.” We meet her popular and gorgeous sister, Amber, who is two years her senior, and the object of Brandy’s disdain. We meet Cameron, her long-time male friend, and Rusty, the object of her desire.
The year is 1991. The school year has just ended, and Amber is finally finished with high-school (mostly, anyway). When an end-of-the-year party is thrown at Amber and Brandy’s house, Brandy gets drunk (a rarity), and pursues Rusty, even though it’s a hopeless endeavor. The next morning, she finds her sister and Rusty sleeping in her bed, and she flips out.
This is the event that pushes Brandy to do something about her prudishness. She makes a summer “to-do” list, deciding that she must work her way up to the big event (losing her virginity), like “training for a marathon.” And so she sets out to check everything off, with anyone she can.
The opening fifteen pages of The Hand-Job were a little meddling to get through. And while that apparently didn’t turn out to be a problem for Ms. Carey (since this is in production with some major actors attached), it can definitely be an issue for other writers. We’re all told that you need to grab the reader within the first few pages. And it’s true. Had I not set out with the goal of finishing this script, I probably wouldn’t have.
These opening pages, to me, basically amount to a bunch of high school kids either talking about their boobs, talking about someone else’s, or insulting each other with what felt like trying-to-be-cutesy one-liners.
The biggest issue here is that a goal doesn’t really emerge until the end of the first act. Brandy is introduced as a fairly interesting character right off the bat, but her lack of a real goal until late in the game is a problem. Sure, she obviously likes Rusty and that’s made clear in the first 10 pages, but the GOAL, the driving CONFLICT of this script, doesn’t arise until she decides to make the list.
There are times when it’s necessary to withhold the character goal until the end of the first act. These times are few and far between, however (Rocky comes to mind). But when you do this, there must be a REASON. In Rocky, the reason is simple and clear – had Rocky agreed to fight Apollo Creed by page 4, we wouldn’t have given a shit. His character needed to be established for us to CARE. With The Hand-Job, there is no question that the writer could have amped up the pace, bringing the main conflict to the forefront much earlier, without losing anything, and gaining much. (Carson note: I have an opinion about this in the comments below).
However, once we get to the second act, the script really picked up. Not all of the scenes work, but many do. Especially in the third act, where there were numerous highlights, particularly between Amber and Brandy (despite these developments being somewhat predictable, they do WORK).
My least favorite scene occurs in the second act. Brandy, while working her job at the pool as lifeguard, is told to fish out a piece of poop that’s floating in the pool. Assuming this is a prank, and that it isn’t real shit, she skims it out of the water and, in front of everyone, tastes it to show that it’s just a Snickers. But surprise! It isn’t.
This scene was frustrating for two reasons 1) I’m not the biggest fan of toilet humor to begin with, but more importantly 2) this is an example of desperately trying to get a laugh though gross-out humor, even if it logically makes little sense. I mean, seriously? To prove she’s being pranked and that it’s really a candy-bar, she tastes it? There’s no other way?
On the other hand, gross-out humor is used effectively in a film like Bridesmaids (the gown scene). In that film, the gross-out development is well-developed, organic to the story, and most importantly, creates conflict that ripples throughout the story. Here, this event never rears its head again. The scene is entirely superfluous, and I hope it’s removed from the final film. It’s a simple enough fix, and a minor point, but it’s an example of how wrong you can go if you’re reaching too far for laughs (or scares, or thrills, or whatever) and it isn’t logical to your story.
There’s a subplot in here that involves the pool manager, Willy (in his 30s), and his girlfriend, Nicole. This thread involves the oldest characters in the story, and could have been used to drive home the theme from an older perspective (rather than the entire story revolve around teenagers). Problem is, this subplot is far too underdeveloped, and really doesn’t play a huge part in the script. It feels like wasted potential.
Finally, I wanted to mention the stakes. What happens if Brandy fails to achieve her goal? Nothing, really. She returns to the status quo, no worse than when the story began, and life goes on. She doesn’t lose her friends. She doesn’t die. Nothing happens.
Granted, many coming-of-age stories don’t have an incredible amount at stake – or I should say, most of the stakes are internal. But problem was, I never FELT Brandy’s internal desire. I mean, it’s there, but did I really FEEL it? No.
Take one of my favorite coming-of-age scripts, Almost Famous. If William fails to get his story and write his article, does he really lose much? Nah. Yeah he won’t get paid, but most of what he has to lose is internal. Thing is, I really FELT how much he wanted and needed to succeed at his goal. I really felt like this was important to him. With The Hand-Job, I didn’t.
So the answer to whether this script works or not is – yes and no. While there are problems, I always ask myself after reading every script – was it entertaining? It’s an autonomic response. And with The Hand-Job, I was definitely entertained. Not amazingly entertained, but it did hold my attention, partly because Ms. Carey has a fluid, visual writing style, and partly because she does create an interesting character in Brandy.
In the end, I’m teetering between “not for me” and “worth the read.” But because it held my attention – a feat that hundreds of other scripts have failed to achieve – I’m going to give it a “worth the read.”
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Get to the point as early as possible. Many of the scenes here do a good job of getting in late and leaving early, but the first act could have used a quicker pace to get us to the point (the conflict). If you don’t do this soon enough, you could lose the reader, even if your second and third acts are amazing.