Tuesday, March 20, 2012

"Which Script Should I Read For Amateur Friday" Part 3

You guys asked for it.  After Saturday's "Which Script Should I Read" post and yesterday's script links to the Top 3 scripts post, I've decided to post three more runner-up links. You don't have to read the whole scripts of course.  Just check out the first 10 pages and let me know if any of them make you want to read further.  I'm getting a few nudges here and there that Zombie Knights is pretty good.  So maybe check out that one first.  Enjoy...

Zombie Knights - Action/horror
A war-battered knight returns from the Crusades to find his homeland terrorized by victims of a lethal fever who rise from the dead, hungry for human flesh. Sir Thomas shepherds survivors to the Castle Bridgenorth, where he leads a war of attrition against an army of the undead – even as he battles his own demons.

Hail Mary - Action/Revenge
A reformed hitwoman must return to the world of bullets and bloodshed she left behind to take on the organization she helped build, in order to avenge the death of her younger sister.

This Is Me Leaving – Dark Comedy
After landing an innocent woman in the hospital, a suicidal twenty-something winds up on a state-wide road trip delivering unique gifts to relative strangers in order to make amends.

Top 3 below

******WINNER - "Breathwork"*******
A man undergoing past-life regression therapy must find out the identity of a nemesis who’s killed him in his past lives... before he’s murdered again in his present life.
******WINNER - "Breathwork"******* 

Script link: Breathwork

****2nd Place - "Soundtrack"****
When a burgeoning composer hits his head he begins to hear his life’s soundtrack; a soundtrack that is prompting and pushing him back to his ex-fiancee. But will he follow the guidance of the music?
****2nd Place - "Soundtrack"****
Script Link: Soundtrack


**3rd Place - "Holy Alamogordo"**
Three friends reunite before a wedding and take a road trip to achieve their childhood goal - finding the millions of lost E.T. Atari cartridges buried in the sands of Alamogordo, NM.
**3rd Place - "Holy Alamogordo"**
 
Script Link: Holy Alamogordo

Screenplay Review - Breyton Avenue (Guest Review)

Peter Pan mixed with Lord Of The Flies mixed with...zombies? Sounds like an interesting little screenplay. Let's find out if guest reviewer Amy Suto liked it...


Since I’m tired of giving you guys vague updates about my book, the site re-launch, and Twit-Pitch, I’m putting together an official schedule (with real dates!) that I plan to post this weekend. I’m like the U.S. Government. I’m posting about a post that I’ll make later. Heh heh. In the meantime, I’m bringing back guest reviewer Amy Suto, (who reviewed Celeste and Jesse Forever a month ago) to take on some zombie madness. Or, errr…are they zombies? I’m confused. You know what, I'll just let Amy clear it up.

Premise (from IMDB): A group of teens living without adults and under their own social order in a small fenced-in neighborhood are forced to face what they fear is the inevitable physical danger beyond the fence.
Writer: J. Daniel Shaffer
About: This is Shaffer's first writing credit. Breyton Avenue finished with 6 votes on the most recent Black List. I know Shaffer has written three drafts since this one, carefully chipping away at the script’s issues. I also know he’s been reading Scriptshadow forever and is very excited (and surprised) by all the love his script has gotten.
Details: 112 pages – undated.


This script starts out with a bang: eight year old Noah witnesses his parents die at the hands of a vampire/zombie hybrid that drinks his mother's blood but, for an unexplained reason, leaves Noah and his brother, Sam, alive.

Noah wakes up from his nightmare, and we discover he's living in an enclosed town where kids have banned together against the threat of these monsters – called the “Unwelcomes”. These Unwelcomes drink blood, but they can also infect others through... blood lesions or something? I'm not sure. The script was unclear about exactly what the lesions did, but I do know that if you get them, it's not a good sign.

Noah is taking care of his younger brother, Sam, who is deaf. Not only does our protagonist win our sympathy because he lost his parents, but because Noah's taken on the role of protecting his younger brother, that sympathy’s taken a step further.

We soon meet the others in the town. Marshall is the fearless leader who sets curfews and organizes the kids. Hawthorne is described as “pounds of muscle and wrath with a tribal tattoo on his neck” and is the obnoxious jerk who is engaged in a power struggle over Breyton Ave with Marshall. He's the bully who slaps people around, and we know he's a tough guy because he gives himself his own tattoos. Another standout character is simply known as, “The Boy Who Never Leaves” because... well... he never leaves his house. He stands in the window wearing a gas mask and writes foreboding sentiments on his window. Creeeeeepy.

Noah's got the hots for Madeline, the sister of our resident abusive jerk, Hawthorne. He spends most of the script making awkward sexual advances that culminate in the two of them watching the stars on his roof as they are surrounded by fireflies.

After their night on the rooftop, Noah is chosen to go with Marshall and the others to gather supplies outside of the safety of their fenced-in neighborhood. They stop at a drug store, and, in a homage to Zombieland, find a whole bunch of Twinkies! One of the kids runs over and starts stuffing his bag with them. But wait, this is where things get weird: in the back of the store there's some sort of hospital for the Unwelcomes! And they find other kids there – with tubes in them – who are still alive. The Unwelcomes attack the boys, and only Noah gets away. He makes his way back to Breyton Ave, and we are left with more unanswered questions. Why don't the Unwelcomes kill kids? Are there more survivors outside of Breyton Ave? Are the Unwelcomes sick?

The script ends with a massive battle against the Unwelcome, and Noah's younger brother Sam ends up saving the day by using his ability to communicate with the dead. Sam may be deaf, but he can hear the Unwelcome talking to him. In the end, Noah gives a speech to the remaining kids and they ride off into the sunset on a quest to seek out other communities of survivors.

This script is Lord of the Flies meets The Village: it's intriguing in a way that makes your skin crawl, and it has a supernatural slant to it that makes it unique. The writing is solid, and the story is moving. This isn't your average apocalyptic killfest. This apocalyptic killfest has heart. It's poignant and gruesome and you just can't shake it from your head.

What really jumps off of the page is the vivid atmosphere. The tone of the script is consistent. From the little touches (a wheel of an overturned bicycle slowly turning amongst a pile of abandoned toys) to the sweeping descriptions of the depravity of the state of the world, Breyton Ave is immersive and gripping.

This script is also set apart by the unique details and flourishes that Shaffer peppers in throughout the script. For example, the quote “Second star to the right, straight till morning” is scrawled on a wall in graffiti. For the uninitiated, the quote is an allusion to Peter Pan, and is ironic yet fitting: Breyton Avenue is a twisted dystopian Neverland where there are no parents – where children must fend for themselves against monsters that seek to destroy them. These subtle details are marks of a talented writer.

Marshall, who is the fearless leader and Noah's mentor, had many memorable lines of dialog. His most profound words, which Noah repeats on the final page are: “You shouldn't let death scare you, Noah. It can only grab you once, and you won't remember. If there's anything else after, well it didn't really grab you, did it?” When your movie is extremely quotable, that means you've done your job in the dialog department.

Shaffer also understands that film is a visual medium, and the imagery within these pages is delightful: The fireflies. The close up on the coils of a light bulb. The spinning of a record player. The swarms of flies, which are a sign that Unwelcomes are near. On page 67 “a thick, wet, crunching bump” is heard when Noah runs over an Unwelcome with the bus. Can't you just see that in your mind's eye? Yeah. You're welcome (or unwelcome).

The weakest part of the script had to be the character of Madeline. She's described only as, “vulnerable and introverted and beautiful... And we know from Noah's face that he is in love.” I may be biased, but only describing a female character as beautiful and vulnerable feels like a crutch. Especially because in the script, she repeatedly disproves this description. She speaks up in the meeting, declaring that girls should be able to go to the Gathering as well, and stands in Hawthorne's way when he storms out. Her interactions with others likewise don't suggest introversion: sure, her date with Noah does carry the awkwardness of teenage love, but she never seems particularly shy or withdrawn. She's using aerosol as a flamethrower, she's demanding to be included, she flirts with and teases Noah, yet she's as passive as can be. Her sole purpose is to fill the love interest void. She doesn't have any defining goals. I'm being nitpicky because she's the only major female character in the story, and it's frustrating to see these blank, aimless girl characters floating around. So, gentlemen, please do your female characters justice, and don't forget to give them traits, flaws, and goals of their own.

Noah's also not an active character, and is only reacting to what happens to him. Weakness is his flaw. He couldn't do anything when his mother was killed, he can't defend himself against Hawthorne. The sympathy generated by protecting his brother and losing his family offsets his passiveness to an extent, but I still expected him to step up when Marshall died, expected him to fill the leader void and fight off the invasion. But, alas, it was not to be. He rigged some traps in his house and his little brother saved the day. Sam was the star of the story, not Noah. Noah was more of the narrator, the everyman we can identify with. A vehicle for the story, not an actual character in it.

However, the plot was so strong that even two underdeveloped leads couldn't slow it down. In a TED talk, J.J. Abrams said that writers must establish “mystery boxes” for their audience. You must present your viewers with questions they desperately want answered. In this script, new questions cropped up every twenty pages. Why did the Unwelcome leave Noah alive? Why does Sam hear voices? What is the Gathering? Who is the little girl? Are there any survivors left besides the kids? What about the boy who never leaves his house? What do his messages mean, and who are they for? This script reached page-turner status with all of these mysteries, and tied up all the loose ends nicely by the final fade out.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

WHAT I LEARNED
Create a sense of foreboding in your script right away. In Breyton Avenue, there's the boy wearing the gas mask who writes warnings on the window, the upcoming Gathering expedition, the voices Sam hears, and the dead animals that repeatedly show up around town. These events hint at something big happening, and the story holds our attention. One of the most important aspects of storytelling is making a promise to your readers that your story is worth their time, and Breyton Avenue does a fantastic job of building the suspense and anticipation leading up to the final battle through the ominous set-ups in acts one and two.


Monday, March 19, 2012

"Which Script Should I Read For Amateur Friday" Part 2

The more I thought about it, with the way the logline contest went a few months ago, the more I wanted to minimize the chance of reading a bad script.  So I'm putting up links to the Top 3 scripts from Saturday's "Which Should I Read" post and letting you guys take a look at them.  You don't have to read the whole scripts of course.  Just check out the first 10 pages or so and let me know which script has the best shot at being good.  If this works out, we'll do it more often!

******WINNER - "Breathwork"*******
A man undergoing past-life regression therapy must find out the identity of a nemesis who’s killed him in his past lives... before he’s murdered again in his present life.
******WINNER - "Breathwork"******* 

Script link: Breathwork

****2nd Place - "Soundtrack"****
When a burgeoning composer hits his head he begins to hear his life’s soundtrack; a soundtrack that is prompting and pushing him back to his ex-fiancee. But will he follow the guidance of the music?
****2nd Place - "Soundtrack"****
Script Link: Soundtrack


**3rd Place - "Holy Alamogordo"**
Three friends reunite before a wedding and take a road trip to achieve their childhood goal - finding the millions of lost E.T. Atari cartridges buried in the sands of Alamogordo, NM.
**3rd Place - "Holy Alamogordo"**
 
Script Link: Holy Alamogordo

Screenplay Review - The Wedding

Wait a minute. A 2011 Black List comedy that's actually funny? Can it be? Or has Carson once again misjudged the definition of "comedy?"


Genre: Comedy
Premise: Taking place over one day, a group of couples deal with a myriad of issues while attending a wedding together.
About: This was originally sold as a pitch to CBS films in August of last year. The subsequent script finished at the bottom of the 2011 Black List with six votes.
Writer: Andrew Goldberg
Details: 104 pages, September 14, 2011 (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).


I'm ready for the claws to come out. It's another big comedy script which also happens to be a comedy script that Carson likes. And we all know how those go. Despite some of these scripts being loved by everybody in Hollywood, they seem to be hated by you guys! Which means you’re all wrong! But I do have a streak going with Winter’s Discontent here. Granted it's a streak of one. But that's better than the streak I usually have going, which is zero.

Here's the thing with today’s script though - the idea behind it is pretty genius. An entire movie based around a wedding? I'm not sure that's ever been done before in a comedy. We've seen plenty of movies leading up to weddings. But I'm not sure we’ve had a comedy that's *just about* the day of the wedding itself. It’s one of those ideas that’s so simple, you wonder why you didn’t come up with it yourself.

Anyway, we start out with Tim and Beth, a married couple in their 30s. Tim is madly in love with his wife but his wife doesn't seem nearly as enthusiastic. In fact, once at the wedding, when the bride and groom finally say, “I do,” Beth tells Tim, “I don’t,” informing him she's filing for divorce. A baffled Tim will now spend the rest of the wedding trying to figure out where his marriage went wrong – and why his wife seems to be having so much fun with this mysterious guy he’s never seen before.

Roger and Kate are an interesting ex-couple. They used to go out until Kate found out Roger was having sex with half of America. She subsequently jumped ship and has spent the better part of a year trying to get over him. She's finally succeeded, finding a guy she really likes, who she’s brought to the wedding. When Roger finds out Kate has officially moved on, he of course ditches his date and focuses exclusively on getting Kate back.

Danny is the class clown/best man. He's the overweight jokester who’s great for a laugh but not very good with the ladies. He's shown up here by himself – the way he always rolls – and plans on getting wasted and having a great time with the guys. But when he makes a connection with the wedding singer, a hottie named Larissa, he has to find out if she's just being nice because this is a wedding or if she really likes him.

Ryan and Caroline have been together for three years and it’s just hit Caroline that he's never going to propose. When’s the last time you want to go to a wedding? When you learn the guy you're with never wants to get married. So as she sees all of this love swirling around her, she becomes more and more frustrated, and resolves to do something about it, to Ryan’s horror.

There are plenty of other wedding favorites, like the weirdo uncle who’s constantly saying inappropriate things and staring at young girls. There's the girl who showed up without a date and has to deal with the all the questions about her ex-boyfriend. And there's the 17-year-old who’s looking to get deflowered.

I don't really know what to say about this script other than it's really good! It’s sort of like “Can’t Hardly Wait” but in wedding form. I love the contained time frame idea. It makes the story so immediate. Everything needs to happen RIGHT NOW so you know all of these unresolved relationships need to get resolved TONIGHT. And that keeps each relationship moving along at a brisk clip. Whenever we cut to someone, they’re usually in the throes of an important moment – something you don’t always get when the time frame for the story is spread out over weeks or months.

And that’s really the key to making these movies work. When you don't have an overriding concept - in other words, a main character with a goal (find the Ark, prove the one-armed man killed my wife, get to Paradise Falls), the focus shifts over to the unresolved relationships. These will be the engines that carry the story forward.

It's so important that you understand this because a lot of beginners don't realize without a big character goal, the story can go south quickly. But if you create a bunch of interesting characters who have big problems, then every time we cut back to them, there’s going to be something interesting going on. We want to know how that conflict is going to get resolved. And that's another key word here - conflict. Because these relationships are unresolved, there’s always conflict. And conflict is the heart of drama and drama is the key to entertaining.

In other words, if all of these people are happy, you don't have a movie. So when we cut back to Kate and Roger, we’re wondering, is he going to convince her to be with him again? Or with Tim - Is he going to get his wife back? Or with Caroline – Is she finally going to confront Ryan about their relationship? Or with Jeremy, the 17-year-old - Is he finally going to get laid?!

I’ve read versions of these stories where the writers have no unresolved issues to play with. They then try to fill that void with “funny” dialogue – observations about people at the wedding, or crass sex jokes. The scenes feel desperate, though, because they’re just filling time. When you’ve built real problems and issues that need to be resolved, you don’t need to worry about writing funny dialogue. The dialogue ends up writing itself.

And then there are just a bunch of nice touches to the story. I love this idea that we never see the bride and groom. We only see their backs or flashes of them – never their faces. For once, this is about the people *at* the wedding as opposed to the people getting married. That was really clever.

And easily my favorite character was the creepy uncle. We've all seen this guy at our own weddings and boy he is on fire here. He wears sunglasses the whole night so nobody can see his eyes. He laughs at the most inappropriate moments. He calls Danny “Rashad” for some reason and thinks he's a cop. He’s hilarious.

And the relationships were all well-handled. I particularly liked the Danny and Larissa storyline. I loved how he was built up as the underdog – the loner. And when the wedding singer starts flirting with him, he (and the rest of the guys) have to figure out if she’s just doing it because that’s her job or if she’s doing it because she really likes him. We love Danny so much that we’re on the edge of our seats trying to find out the answer to this question ourselves!

You know, this script came REALLY close to getting an impressive, simply because I couldn’t find anything wrong with it. But much like “Can’t Hardly Wait,” there was just something indefinable missing – an x-factor to really take it over the top. Maybe it was the lack of that big unforgettable character (although the uncle comes close – he was more of a sideshow). Maybe it was the lack of surprises. I’m not sure. But there’s *something* missing here. Still, this was a really good script.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: A goal and a ticking time bomb aren’t as important in stories which take place over a short period of time. The whole point of the character goal is to push the story along. But if the timeframe is contained (24 or 48 hours), the story tends to push itself along. You saw the same thing in movies like “Dazed and Confused” and “Can’t Hardly Wait,” which take place over one day. Likewise, a ticking time bomb doesn’t need to be a dominant part of the plot because the point of a ticking time bomb is to create urgency. If your story takes place inside of a day, the urgency is inherent. That’s not to say you *shouldn’t* use these tools in these situations. Just that they’re not as big of a factor in the story’s success.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

You Pick The Next Amateur Friday Script!

Guess what everyone – YOU get to choose the Amateur Friday script I review on March 30th. Take a look at the ten loglines below and vote in the comments section. I’ll be watching IP addresses and if anyone tries to secretly vote for their own logline multiple times, they’ll be disqualified. So no cheating! As for the science behind choosing these ten? There was none. I pretty much picked them randomly. I think it’s important for everyone to see the full breadth of loglines I’m sent, both good and bad. Enjoy!

******WINNER - "Breathwork"*******
A man undergoing past-life regression therapy must find out the identity of a nemesis who’s killed him in his past lives... before he’s murdered again in his present life.
******WINNER - "Breathwork"*******

A Moment In Fire - (Action/Crime)
Ambivalent of his wife's fidelity and drowning in debt, a man is offered a new chance at life by an exuberant gentleman claiming to be the devil.

Conditioned - Psychological Thriller
Chasen Artist, suffering from retrograde amnesia, is visited by a stranger who offers to help. As Chasen moves towards to uncover the past, he learns about the stranger’s motive and the cynical truth behind his condition.


**3rd Place - "Holy Alamogordo"**
Three friends reunite before a wedding and take a road trip to achieve their childhood goal - finding the millions of lost E.T. Atari cartridges buried in the sands of Alamogordo, NM.
**3rd Place - "Holy Alamogordo"**

Zombie Knights - Action/horror
A war-battered knight returns from the Crusades to find his homeland terrorized by victims of a lethal fever who rise from the dead, hungry for human flesh. Sir Thomas shepherds survivors to the Castle Bridgenorth, where he leads a war of attrition against an army of the undead – even as he battles his own demons.

Hail Mary - Action/Revenge
A reformed hitwoman must return to the world of bullets and bloodshed she left behind to take on the organization she helped build, in order to avenge the death of her younger sister.

****2nd Place - "Soundtrack"****
When a burgeoning composer hits his head he begins to hear his life’s soundtrack; a soundtrack that is prompting and pushing him back to his ex-fiancee. But will he follow the guidance of the music?
****2nd Place - "Soundtrack"****

On The Edge Of A Cliff' - Thriller
Having been kidnapped by a psychotic South African arms dealer, a resilient young traveller integrates himself with the gang's hierarchy in order to escape, but finds himself seduced by the criminal world.

This Is Me Leaving – Dark Comedy
After landing an innocent woman in the hospital, a suicidal twenty-something winds up on a state-wide road trip delivering unique gifts to relative strangers in order to make amends.

Sunshine - Comedy/Drama
A devoutly religious sixteen-year-old psychopath must hunt down and kill her biological mother... Who is even more dangerous than her.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Screenwriter Interview - Lorene Scafaria

I love all the people who come on Scriptshadow to do interviews. But today is different. I think Lorene is just really gifted. She sees people/characters in a way no other writer does. That talent is the one that truly separates screenwriters in my eyes – the ability to craft interesting, unique and realistic characters. My fawning over Lorene's talent probably isn’t a surprise. She’s got two scripts in my Top 25 (The Mighty Flynn and Seeking A Friend). So I’m just happy she answered my 528th e-mail request for an interview. Kidding. Lorene is actually a fan of the site!  So she was actually - gasp - EXCITED to do an interview.  Hey, you can't make this stuff up. Anyway, she's now making a huge career leap into directing, having directed Steve Carrell and Keira Knightley in Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World. Let’s dive into her writing process and see what makes this screenwriter tick.


SS: Okay, so first thing’s first. How are we going to get The Mighty Flynn made? From what you know, what’s keeping it from being produced?

LS: Thanks for keeping it alive for me, Carson! I think I'm ready to cast it out again and see if it gets any actor interest. When “Up In The Air” was made, it felt like I had to put the story of an efficiency expert to bed, but now that some time has passed, and honestly thanks to your vote of confidence, I’ve come up with a few potential ways to make it new and interesting. One possibility is changing the time period, which could work thematically while also allowing me to keep devices like the phone book and resumes at Kinko's without feeling dated. Also, the relationship between Flynn and Boaty is one I’ve been trying to tell for a long time, so I found myself naturally drawing from it for Dodge and Penny in “Seeking a Friend”. I like a male character who's anything but a man-child and then prying him open with the help of a free spirit who's anything but type-A. It's basic storytelling, I guess, but it's actually personal for me. As long as it feels different, I'll pursue it. You'll have to help me fix the ending!

SS: Do you need me to call anyone?

LS: Please call Jason Reitman in 2008 and ask him to make Juno 2 instead.

SS: Could you tell us a little about your emergence as a screenwriter? How many scripts had you written before you got your first job?

LS: I was always in love with plays and movies, so I started writing psuedo-screenplays when I was a kid. I still have many of them, including "Ripple", a romantic dramedy about dying dolphins, "starring Lorene Scafaria and Ethan Hawke". With those delusions of grandeur, anything was possible. I wrote a few plays, put up my first in the greater New Jersey area, and eventually put up a relationship play in New York called "That Guy And Others Like Him". I was answering phones at a film company, doing an embarrassing amount of extra work, and decided to adapt the play into my first true screenplay. I wrote two other scripts, then started looking for an agent and moved to LA. Five scripts deep, I teamed up with my then-roommate on a children’s adventure called “Legend Has It”. It wound up being optioned by Revolution Studios so that was technically my first job. Two years later, I wrote “The Mighty Flynn”, which was number eight, and got it set up at Warner Independent. I was basically hired off of that to adapt “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist” and that was the beginning.


SS: Was that first job how you got your agent?

LS: When I first moved to LA, I was talking to a smattering of agents who never called me back. My very very first agent came from sending a query letter, so I still believe that a well-written, well-intentioned letter is a good way to reach out, especially in this era of accessibility. I looked up which agents sold scripts from first-time writers. She said she liked my letter and the title of my script and asked to read it. She later sent me a rejection letter and then called a few days after that to say forget it and could she read anything else. I sent her my other two scripts and she suggested I move to LA. She almost immediately switched agencies and I got lost in the shuffle. My old writing partner and I were working with an agent-in-training who helped set up "Legend Has It", so he became our first official agent and we became his first clients. I changed agencies a few years later and have been at the same place since.


SS: Looking back at those first (paid) experiences in the business, what did you learn from them? What kind of mistakes were you making as a screenwriter then that you’d never make today?

LS: I’m sure I’ll continue to make the same mistakes. I'm lucky in that I've had a variety of different experiences, from writing on spec and pitching original ideas, to adapting a novel or real life story or an all-too familiar musical. I've also failed at selling pitches and been fired and rewritten. I've spread myself too thin. I've quit. So hopefully I've learned from those larger mistakes. I try to work with people I like and I try not to get involved in anything unless I think I'm the right person for the job.

SS: What would you say is the hardest thing about screenwriting for you now? Why do you struggle with it and what do you do to conquer it?

LS: I struggle with feeling burnt out and uninspired. Even though I only have a few produced scripts, I feel like I've been writing a long time. Sometimes it's hard to live in LA. The same things that make it great can also make it feel overwhelming. Thinking as a director now, it's harder to write a first draft freely, beginning to end, warts and all, and then give myself the space to fix stuff in later drafts. I find myself rewriting as I go, which can be helpful, but slower. Now I struggle with "what's next". I feel like I threw the kitchen sink at "Seeking A Friend". It explores so many of the themes that swim in my head, and the high concept made it easier to write character-driven scenes within set-pieces. Point is, I'm in my head too much and should probably get some fresh air.

Lorene Scafaria

SS: I really love your characters. Especially the ones in Mighty Flynn. Everybody’s so unique. How do you build your characters?

LS: Thanks for saying so! I went through a phase of thinking in terms of a character's job, like in "Mighty Flynn". I like exploring someone's psychology and thinking of what kind of person would do this for a living... what could be in that person's history and how that could reflect the themes I was interested in expressing. That script sparked "Man and Wife", again exploring an immigration officer and what a job does to a man when he is "the man". For both of the male characters, as well as Dodge in "Seeking A Friend", I was exploring a specific archetype; men who are in need of an awakening. For Flynn, he was a fairly heartless bastard who only moved an inch, but all that he needed to go through to get that far. I've always been interested in people and relationships, psychology and sociology, how people react to different scenarios. In the case of "Seeking A Friend", I thought about everyone facing their own mortality differently, and then came up with the various characters to best articulate that. I think it helps that I look at myself with a critical eye and I look at the people around me with a sympathetic one, so I try to love every character but also know what they're doing wrong.


SS: What about dialogue? What would you say are the 2 or 3 things you focus on most when writing dialogue? What’s most important in getting it right?

LS: Write how people talk.

Not everyone talks the same.

Keep it specific.

SS: I notice you have a lot of setups and payoffs in your script. My guess is that this means you outline a lot. Do you think outlining is important and what’s your process?

LS: I don’t like to outline that much. I usually prefer to write a first act without outlining so that the characters feel and sound a little more authentic before making major plot decisions. I think then if you write something specific in your first act, it becomes a natural setup, and something you can follow through the script. If those specific things can relate to the theme or the journey that the character goes on, it becomes easier to set it up and pay it off, without feeling like a forced characteristic. In "Man and Wife" I remember the traveling orange was something that became a set up and pay off. In "Seeking A Friend", the harmonica took on meaning as I went along.

SS: One of the most difficult sections of a screenplay for young writers is the second act. Can you give us any secrets about how to dominate the second act?

LS: I still battle with the second act and I suppose it varies for different genres. I think it's easier if you break it up as much as possible. I like to think of the page numbers like the minutes on a clock and at every ten to fifteen minute mark, something should change, so the second act has three major shifts to go through... 30-45, 45-60, 60-75... I think those are the points to present conflict and tension so that something changes in your characters. It has to constantly build and unbuild and build again. It should have a big page 60 high and a page 75 drop. I think it has the shape of an EKG or a really good roller coaster or even a song. If a song goes verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus... or something like that... you can sort of see the shape of a screenplay.

If on page 30, your main character has a mission, like Dodge going in search of his ex, then your second act has direction. Then he's tested, facing various highs and lows, obstacles along the way. Even though I tried to mix it up in terms of genre-bending and surprising moments, it's actually a very straight forward structure. I remember hearing a complaint that "Nick and Norah's" didn't have enough of a ticking clock, so I was sure to give it a huge ticking clock.


SS: Lots of beginning screenwriters focus on getting a script purchased. Lots of purchased screenwriters focus on getting a script made. In your experience, what’s the difference between a script that’s good enough to get bought and a script that’s good enough to get produced?

LS: That’s an amazing question. I really couldn't tell the difference for a long time, but when I look back at old scripts, I can see how things got ignored. I still think it's important to write what's in your head, because even if it doesn't get produced, it could end up being your best sample of your voice. Even though I liked exploring characters, it took a long time for me to figure out structure. I still grapple with it. A book called "The Writer's Journey" and a very patient Dana Fox taught me some phrases and tricks. I still resist convention between the second and third act, which accounts for the change in pace in "Nick and Norah's" as well as "Seeking A Friend.” I think it's most important to concentrate on theme and tone. Those will make your story distinct and reveal the "trailer moments" of your script. After that, I think pacing is key. Hearing a script out loud is a good indicator of its possibilities.

SS: Can you give us a couple of “aha” moments in your career– those classic moments where you’re writing and some unforeseen force shoots into you and you realize what you were doing wrong all this time and understand screenwriting so much better now?

LS: The biggest "aha" I can think of was when I was working on the third draft of "Seeking A Friend". Even though I was thinking of it as an end-of-the-world romantic comedy, I still wasn't taking the two genres and colliding them within the scenes themselves. That's when I realized that the riot scene needed to be a break-up scene, and that the scene at Friendsy's is a date / is an orgy. I realized that at all times, the genres needed to be working for each other, and against each other, and it definitely outlined the larger set pieces and propelled the second act.

SS: A lot of writers say their perspective on writing totally changes once they direct a movie. Now that you’ve directed a film, are you joining the chorus? How did your perspective change, if at all? What did you learn?

LS: My perspective definitely changed. But it doesn't make it any easier. I always knew that editing was another form of rewriting, but I never realized how much so. There definitely was the script I wrote, the movie we shot, and the story we edited. I wish I had had the foresight to know which scenes we would later cut but we needed to see it all together, with an audience, to know what was affecting the tone in the wrong way. I ended up cutting a few scenes in the first act to make it a more streamlined story about relationships. A few amazing actors were cut out of the film, but it was for the benefit of the larger story. A couple scenes in the third act also were lifted to give it a stronger final push for Dodge and Penny. I definitely learned that sometimes less is more, that something can be done with a look. Not everything needs to be said. I'm going to try to apply this lesson to life.

SS: Knowing what you know now, would you have done anything differently as a young screenwriter in order to break in faster?

LS: I think I was lucky in breaking in fairly quickly as a screenwriter, but because I wanted to be a filmmaker, I wish I had the nerve and capacity and overall wunderkind-ness someone like Lena Dunham had to make a film like "Tiny Furniture" at such a young age. I had a real breaking point six months before "Seeking A Friend" got going. I remember threatening my agent that I was going to start auditioning for indies and pilots, as if this would prove more successful, because I was tired of being a hired hand, or seeing a project through many years and various iterations and only have it fall apart. I was tired of everything being on paper, so I guess I wish I wrote and directed a feature, no matter how small, a long time ago. But I think sometimes you have to reach a breaking point in order to figure out what you really want. Such is life.

SS: And finally, do you have any future romantic comedies planned about a female screenwriter who meets and falls for a really awesome screenwriting blogger?

LS: Boy reads girl. Girl reads boy. Girl does interview for boy and only hopes she didn't blow it.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Screenplay Review - The DUFF (Guest Review)

Today's screenplay asks that eternal pestering question that never seems to go away no matter how hard you try. No, not "What is the meaning of life?" But "Are you a DUFF (a designated ugly fat friend)?"


I'm sure all of you are just as devastated as I am that Ben picked Courtney, but I figure we'll get over it at some point.  In the meantime, I'm calling on my British buddy Anthony Jackson to write us today's review.  He's madly in love with teen high school movies so he's the perfect reviewer for this material. Editing the Scriptshadow Book continues to occupy all of my free time but hopefully it will pay off soon!  Also, Twit-Pitch (pitch me your script on Twitter) IS coming, so be ready.  It's still probably 2-3 weeks away and will happen on a Saturday, so you better be finishing those scripts of yours!  I'll have plenty of announcements on the site as it gets closer.  But for now, I'll let Anthony take over...

GENRE: Teen Romantic Comedy
PREMISE: An “invisible” high school girl discovers that she is the DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) and sets out to change things up for the homecoming dance.
ABOUT: CBS films acquired this property last year. Writer Josh Cagan has previously had success with the teen film, BandSlam. DUFF also made its way into last year’s Black List, finishing near the bottom of the pack with 6 votes.
WRITER: Josh A. Cagan. Based on the novel by Kody Keplinger
DETAILS: 103 pages – 2011 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).


American teen comedies are my guilty pleasure. Growing up in England, me and my best friend spent far too much time watching and re-watching American Pie, Road Trip, Slackers, even Get Over It (that weird movie with Sisqo. We were big fans of the Thong Song too).

I live in California now and having attended an American college for a year and discovered that teen parties are waaaay better on film that in real life, I’ve cast aside my doe-eyed reverence of all things teen and adopted a much more critical eye… which is a fancy way of saying that even though I know teen movies are totally unrealistic I still watch and love them. So I opened up DUFF hoping to be transported to that wonderful movie world of jocks, nerds, hot babes, cool parties and, of course, ridiculous teen sex lives. Was I disappointed? Let’s check out the plot first…

Bianca is a seventeen-year-old girl who doesn’t conform to the high school pressures of looking and acting cool. She doesn’t wear make-up. She’s a straight-A student. She shops at thrift stores (and not in a cool hipster way). However, these social faux pas do not prevent her from having two extremely hot and cool friends: Jessica (super-model style) and Casey (indie-rock hot librarian). When Bianca’s not managing her hot friends’ calendars, she likes to take some time out to spy on the dreamy Toby; a feminist dude who plays guitar and wears leather.

Bianca tags along with Jessica and Casey to a party and is approached by the school quarterback and overall clichéd dumb hot guy, Wesley. You see that even though Bianca isn’t cool enough to feature on anyone’s radar, she conveniently lives next door to Wesley so that he actually knows her name. More than that he wants her help. He needs intel on Jessica and Casey. Bianca explains that it’s not her job to dole out info on her best friends to perverts so Wesley, subtle as an autistic six year old, informs Bianca that it is actually her job because she’s a DUFF. She’s there to make her hot friends look hotter and assist in other hot people getting access to them. He tries to numb the sucker punch by highlighting all the other DUFFs at the party, male and female, but the damage is done.

After much soul-searching, Bianca decides to test Wesley’s theory and ignores Jessica and Casey. Sure enough, without those two around, she quickly becomes invisible. Bianca tries to make the most out of this invisibility, doing and dressing however she wants, but ultimately what she wants is to ask Toby to homecoming. However, because she’s spent all of high school assisting Jessica and Casey, she’s never developed the social skills to actually talk to him. So she returns to dim-witted Wesley, who is failing science and facing the prospect of being kicked off the football team, and suggests a deal. He teaches her to be social and she’ll make sure he passes science. But will their deal develop into something more and will Bianca ever be able to kick the label “DUFF?”

The concept behind DUFF is actually pretty good. It takes a well-worn teen staple – the ugly ducking transformation – and puts a new spin on it. There’s a clever line in the movie where Wesley tells Bianca that every group has a DUFF and if you don’t know who it is then it’s probably you. This idea is the foundation for the story. Bianca has no idea how much of a mess she is and this gets our sympathy. High school kids are cruel. However, having created this new angle on a familiar story, DUFF goes on to tell a terribly clichéd and uninspired tale. I’m talking every teen movie beat/scene you’ve ever watched. A dressing room ‘let’s try on new styles’ montage. The ‘catch my crush with the girl I hate’ chestnut. All leading up to the, you guessed it, dramatic finale at the school dance. These clichés can work if you put a new spin on them (look at Easy A or Mean Girls) but DUFF plays them straight and it suffers for it.

The cliché also drips into the characters. Wesley as the dumb jock is almost painful. Cagan actually tries to do something different halfway through the script, revealing Wesley’s dorky side. This becomes one of the ways he and Bianca connect but there is something very manufactured about the whole thing. The attempt to round him out falls short because I don’t buy that this is his character. One minute he’s punching out anyone who says anything bad about Bianca and the next he’s moping about being with the school hot girl because “that’s what he’s supposed to do.” I’m sorry but I can’t feel sorry for a guy with these kinds of problems and if I can’t empathize then this kind of movie collapses.

Bianca is better as the smart and sarcastic protagonist but even this gets old. It's almost as if it's accepted that if someone is not physically attractive then they have to be witty. Her goal of asking out Toby is reached pretty quickly but is dealt with well as it is used to springboard the story to the bigger question; can Bianca comes to terms with who she is. This issue is actually dealt with pretty well but it certainly doesn’t re-make the wheel.

Another major issue with script is tone. I called it a ‘Teen Movie’ in the introduction but ‘Tween Movie’ might be a better description. Cagan’s previous film, BandSlam, looks to be exactly this (I admit, I haven’t seen it). DUFF revolves around a group of seventeen year olds but their dialogue and actions feel much younger. It’s a diluted high school where no one curses and although sex may be hinted at, making out is as far as anything ever goes. The tone affects some of the story choices and certainly the ending (I won’t spoil it but needless to say everything gets wrapped up with a bow on it). There’s nothing wrong with this type of movie and they’re certainly popular… but when I read the logline for DUFF I was expecting something closer to Easy A and what I got was High School Musical without the music.

I don’t want to completely bash the script because despite its childish tone and cliché choices, there was some clever stuff. Cagan uses some cool stylistic techniques to suggest the social media influence in high school, and I can definitely see that stuff being utilized. The side-plot with Bianca’s Mom, who uses the five stages of grief to counsel people on any problem (loss of pet, male baldness etc), was funny and incorporated into the story well.

Ultimately though, DUFF is not something me, or my younger seventeen year-old self, could ever watch and think “Wow, I want to be somewhere like that”… which is really all a teen movie needs to achieve.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I Learned: Beware of false advertising. It’s been said before on this blog but it’s definitely worth reiterating. Tell the story you pitch. This means plot, characters AND tone. The term Designated Ugly Fat Friend is obviously mean and a little crude and suggests that what will follow will also be mean and a little crude. DUFF was almost the opposite of that. If the script had been called ‘The Invisible Girl,’ I would have had a completely different set of expectations and may have possibly been less frustrated with the outcome. (Carson note: This “What I Learned” is heartily endorsed by Carson!)